Issue Sheet 2: Conflict, Abuse and Violence – FamilyForum Ottawa
Conflict, abuse and family violence problems and accusations can come up in divorce and separation. There is great difference of opinion and procedures to deal with these. This sheet aims to help you understand what is going on and to deal with this in a responsible, effective way.
A few definitions:
Conflict: There is conflict in virtually every divorce (and in every marriage or relationship) Conflict, provided it does not escalate to abuse or violence, is normal and healthy. Kids need to be taught by experience and example how to deal with conflict. Living in a democratic country means we must deal with conflicts between political parties, conflicts between cultures and languages. Those who react to normal conflicts by resorting to violence, use of police or courts as proxies and false accusations often feel powerless and abused. Normal conflict is any dispute or disagreement between people or with organizations which is not abusive or violent. In the absence of unbiased, effective dispute mechanisms, conflicts are more likely to escalate into abuse or violence.
Abuse: Abuse is an act or acts which go beyond conflict into unfair exploitation, misuse of trust, and breaches of a person’s rights. Abuse is crushing the healthy spirit of another. Fundamentally all abuse is abuse of power. There is no standard definition of abuse, but here are three categories of abuse:
Physical Abuse: applying unreasonable force beyond the uncoerced agreement of the person.
Sexual Abuse: coerced sexual activity, injury or exploitation beyond the uncoerced agreement of the person.
Emotional and other Abuse: Neglect, verbal and psychological abuse, financial abuse, harassment, stalking, proxy abuse, parental alienation, Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, and many others.
The Golden Rule is to treat others as you would be treated; abuse can be thought of as mistreating others as you would not want to be treated yourself.
Note that certain feminist ideological groups have defined abuse in circular ways: i.e Whatever she feels is abusive, not fulfilling all her financial wants, using male privilege, not changing to meet her wishes, associating with “the Patriarchy” or other men, or women, etc. Unfortunately, these biased definitions, often expressed as one-sided lists, have influenced Canadian police, courts and governments to one-sided enforcement. Thus, many women who are abusive or make false accusations believe that they are being abused, according to these definitions.
Violence: Physical abuse which falls under the definition of a criminal act, i.e. physical force or illegal threat of force, especially with serious impact or injury to the person.
Within these categories acts can range from debatable (is nagging abuse?) to very severe (e.g. murder).
Statistics on Domestic Violence:
Every study of spousal violence where the same questions were asked of both genders shows approximately equal rates of perpetrators and victims at most levels of violence.
Most child abuse studies show that a higher percentage of child neglect, physical abuse, and emotional abuse is done by women, and higher rates of sexual abuse by men. Kids of greatest risk of death from abuse are boys 0-1 years old. Children are statistically at greater risk from mother’s boyfriends, acquaintances, and stepfathers than natural fathers. Statistics in this area have become highly ideological, misused, exaggerated or fabricated by advocates and vested interests. For example, rates of charges, convictions, and sentences are wildly different for men and women: In the legal system this is called a “female discount”.
Child abuse: all professionals (doctors, child care workers, nurses, police, etc) are supposed to report any indication that a child might be abused.
Spousal Violence, Police and criminal prosecution: Police investigate calls, the crown prosecutor decides about laying charges, and the judge (or jury) decides guilt. In theory the law on domestic violence is unbiased, but in practice, police often charge men on virtually any accusation, the crown prosecutor almost never drops charges and judges convict on little or no evidence. Much of the procedure seems aimed at coercing men into guilty pleas, often with misleading promises.
Frequently Asked Questions:
I am facing criminal charges of abuse – what should I do?
You need a lawyer. See also our sheet on false accusations.
Can abuse or violence be mutual?
Yes, in fact, studies by Strauss and others show about ½ of spousal abuse is mutual, with another 25% exclusively man only, and 25% exclusively woman only.
What can I do if my child is being abused and the professionals won’t act?
Document the abuse (pictures, show a doctor, fax evidence to the Children’s Aid Society.) Enlist other professionals. Never give up.